my boyfriends son doesn't like me

& why I choose love again and again

After months of loving snuggles and lots of kisses, he has entered a phase of seemingly wanting NOTHING to do with me. He is very actively seeking connection exclusively with and from his father. This is, of course, absolutely wonderful, encouraged and - not a super fun time for me. Moments ago, I went into the living room to greet him and he reacted like I was assaulting him. I mean… I guess I was if he didn’t like it but I’m accustomed to showering him with affection, so this is a new adjustment.

Physical touch is my love language. I recently shared with a girlfriend that if my partner doesn’t touch me 1,465 times a day I basically wither up and die. It is absolutely my number one need and the primary way that I show love as well. Needless to say, it’s a very crucial component in my life and this is a whole new world of learning how to love differently.

I went in for a big hug. As he recoiled from my arms I felt like a monster, like a grotesque excuse for a human. Throw in, “Stop!” and “Get away from me!” Ugh! Nolongerhuman. My chest tightened, I knew what was coming. I left the room and immediately began to cry. The whole interaction lasted seconds but the impact penetrated quickly and deeply. Pain. Sadness. Despair. (This is why I love my embodiment practices so much. I can choose to sit with myself while I am activated and connect the emotions with the sensations coming up in my body.)

So, I sat and noticed it all.

The tightness in my chest and the tenderness in the back of my throat. My breathing shallowed. I put my hands to my heart, closed my eyes and began to intentionally slow my exhale noticing more and more what was happening inside. I let the sadness rise and the tears fall. I dropped into the felt experience. I was present to what it was trying to tell me.

Here is what I discovered.

Initially it just felt like rejection… the pain of not being included. That is uncomfortable but doesn’t really warrant such a strong reaction, IMO. There was some peripheral pain - the recognition that this is most likely the closest thing I’ll have to motherhood. Ok digging a little deeper… the pain that I won’t get to be a mom. I won’t have a child and m a y b e this is even the imagined pain of having a child and then being rejected. This shit is complicated and I don’t expect it to make sense. This is the exploration. As I continued to settle in I realized the feeling was heartbreak. It’s a uniquely sharp type of pain to have someone I love so much be so outwardly against my advances. This is where the sharp pain is coming from.

Ok, so, Why?

After a while I was able to connect this current moment with my childhood. My older sister never wanted me around. It was the same feeling - having SO much love, silliness, giggles, play, tenderness and a desire to connect be continuously shot down. Ugh, heartbreaking. So here I am, a 38 year old woman experiencing old pain that has been in my body for a lifetime. Feeling small, insignificant, unwanted and unloveable. Deep breathing is an important part of this process. Even as I write these words I have to slow down, center myself and breathe. This stuff is difficult to move through but this IS the work. There is a sensational knowing when I’ve connected the dots. First a swelling of the feeling, then relief. Now I can soothe my sweet inner child, affirm her and provide the love she so desperately seeks. Providing love for my little baby self allows me to come back to my adult self more integrated. Once I have tended to the inner source of this pain and really acknowledged it, another tiny piece of me begins to heal. I feel a mix of vulnerability and embarrassment writing it out and sharing it but mostly I feel really proud of this internal work. Coming back to my adult experience with more compassion, patience and unconditional positive regard for myself and for others allows me to show up more fully.

Love is not about being perfect.

It’s about being present.

XO

P.S. I feel fear of judgment in sharing my thoughts and feelings, that I’m not good enough, that this isn’t a cohesive streamlined article worthy of publication. So I am here to calm her again, “This isn’t about being perfect or good. This is about your feelings being valid no matter what. You are loved exactly the way you are. You belong here.”