You magnificent thing,
I am in absolute awe of all that you are and I am so sorry it took me so long to revel in your radiance. I’m not exactly sure when it happened - whether it was when that kid called us Pinocchio, or when the boy we had a crush on said we had skis for feet, or maybe it was when Britney started to get boobs before we did… whenever it was -
I started to hate you.
I wished you were different so that I could be loved and wanted. Weirdly, I’ve never really put my worth in my body, I knew I was separate from the form but I’ve always wished my body reflected how I felt about who I was inside and because of that I always looked at you with such disdain. You seemingly weren’t good enough for others and you definitely weren’t good enough for me. I am especially sorry for hating your belly, nose and eyes for so long.
Please forgive me for treating you poorly. I can remember during the worst of it, after Robbie dumped us for a girl that looked oddly like us only much much thinner, I would binge eat over a trash can chewing and spitting each bite out into a mound punishing you, not letting you indulge or thoroughly enjoy anything. Then when I was severely depressed and extremely self-loathing, I indulged too much and overfed you. We ate a lot of food that wasn’t nourishing and then when we gained weight it gave me an excuse to hate you even more. Please please forgive me.
Thank you for persevering. Thank you for carrying us in every single moment of life. Thank you for being brave enough to begin exploring the world, crawling on your hands and knees developing strength in all your tender baby joints and tendons. Thank you for healing us each and every time we’ve fallen down. Thank you for all the miles you’ve walked, the things you’ve helped us create in this lifetime, for turning each page of a book, for receiving loving touch from another. Thank you for tasting all the delights this lifetime has offered us - some of our favorites being the pumpkin cake mom made for our Halloween birthday every year, the crispy salty fatty goodness of pork belly and the endless cups of rich velvety cacao that have become a daily healing balm for our heart. Thank you for seeing the world in such a beautifully profound way, for observing it so closely and taking in each moment with such preciousness. Thank you for listening to the soft purr of a kitty and the roaring rush of a waterfall with equal reverence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
I love you. In fact, I love every inch of you. You have been the most amazing relationship I have ever had. We have learned how to exist together in harmony. You have been patient and enduring, almost like you knew I would get here eventually and you lovingly waited for me to arrive. I have finally begun to accept and celebrate all that you are. The parts that I once hated have become my most cherished bits. With each day, week and year that passes, I become more and more grateful for all of it. I love our silky soft skin and the marks upon it, the scars, veins, birthmarks and dark circles around our eyes. I love how we are thickening up as we get stronger, that our muscle is growing to support all the new things we are asking it to do. I love how you smile so easily - that each moment is an opportunity to experience delight and you always take it.
You are the most perfect vessel. You are perfectly carrying me through this life. You and you alone have provided me the divine experience of being human and for that I am eternally grateful.
Love,
Christen